The pull of the family tide…

It seems I spent most of my late teens and my entire 20s pulling away from my family. Like many of my friends, I moved cities and even countries in a bid to put space between my family and my fiercely independent self.

I created new families made up of like-minded friends. I rarely saw my real family and even relished working on Christmas Day. I made catastrophic mistakes and was so proud of my independence.

However, life has a way of bringing us back to the thing we rejected for so long.

In my case it was the death of my father, followed three weeks later by the birth of my son and then the subsequent breakdown of my marriage and the ensuing court case(s). I needed support in a way I’ve never needed before. My family was amazing. My virtual families were equally amazing.

I feel guilty that the family I rejected for so long was there when I needed them. I felt terrible that I needed everyone more than ever before.

And now I find myself in Manly, sitting across from St Matthews Church where my grandparents were married in the 1930s. I think of them on their wedding day. The church was relatively new then and they were so excited.

Wedding Day

I feel so much closer to them now. I know they walked where I’m walking. I know the street where they lived. I think of my grandmother when I catch the ferry and think of her also travelling into work. She  was a secretary and said men literally chased her around the desk and wanted her to sit on their knee while she took dictation!

I feel safe here and happy and I do wonder if some of that is because I feel closer to my roots.

What is it about the pull to the things we know when things are tough? Do we split off again when things improve?

Now I have my own child, am I ready for him to pull away? I already feel that wrench when he stubbornly refuses my help and is determined to do it himself. How hard must it have been for my family to watch me do exactly the same thing and make a great and not so glorious mess of everything?

 

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~ by shimmmergirl on October 26, 2010.